Story of Synchronicity

Spontaneous Dot Connection

Dear Future Jenn and Significant Reader,

Maybe the reason why I am a part of BOSS and the reason I took another AC class (despite the fact that I already completed an AC course– linguistics) was because I had to learn how to transcribe interviews. Maybe the reason why I was so persistent to take the Sociology of Entrepreneurship class was because I had to again learn how to transcribe a two-hour long interview. Maybe all that was necessary because I had to learn how to type super fast. Maybe the reason why I was sitting in that class and was added to the class on the day of the start of class was because I had to work with Nicole and Yesil on G.R.O.W. which also helps me with starting non-profits and enrolling people from hotels and big corporations for silent auction items.

Maybe the reason why I am working at the City of Oakland Public Works Agency as a Front Desk HR assistant, a secretary and receptionist is because I had to learn how to navigate through different departments to direct someone to the right place or person. Maybe it also was supposed to allow me to learn how to answer phones in a formal way. Maybe the reason why I had to work with Kristine again this summer was because I had to learn how to work in a fast pace environment and with really detailed fast directions. Maybe another reason why I had to work with Kristine was to learn how to do Records Management. Maybe all this scattered interest stuff that I am doing is supposed to prepare me to be a researcher. Maybe God is allowing me to be prepared for something… Something that involves all the skills that I am acquiring. The reason why this sparked to me is because I realized I’m using the skills that I learned in my workplace and in my classes like… now. Lol everything is being used.

For instance, I have to write out my thoughts for my paper (acquired from transcribing). It’s difficult for me to do that because my grammar is all over the place when I just free-write. But it’s an essential part of writing a paper. You shouldn’t proofread as you go– well if you’re trying to meet a very close deadline, yes. Which… I kind of am.. but it’s different. I have more time than I ever had for a paper I had to turn in– Yeah, I’ve become a major procrastinator. Through chapters in self-help books and through talking with older people, I learned that procrastinators are often the perfectionists. I am a perfectionist, a major one, a neurotic one. No wonder I’m a Linguistics major. I don’t start, not because I don’t want to, oh boy. I really want to start, but it’s just that I know that I may have an epiphanic moment some point in time for me to jot down all that needs to be said.

I feel so energetic inside. But, I sense that I’m being very distracted by the girls next door. They are so loud when they talk. No, I’m blaming them. My bad. It’s the thin walls. Oh wait, my door is kind of propped open. Totally my fault. Anyways. Where was I again? Oh yes, so the energy inside. It’s like my fingers are typing away and I feel a sense of relief that I can actually type as fast as I am thinking… I type faster now so I guess that’s a good thing lol

So, the reason why I felt the need to explode my thoughts onto this notepad was because I rarely get this now. Sometimes I miss these feelings– these feelings that empower me to get my thoughts down onto paper so that there is an output where I can share my energy.

Anyways, yeah. So I feel and sense that things are being connected. It’s not even like I’ve purposely thought of how I’m living right now. It’s just a thought that crossed my mind, “Oh, you typed at this speed for that transcription that you were writing for Sonja this morning at your internship” or “Oh yeah, you were reporting to Sonja what just happened and who just came into the office while Sonja was at a meeting JUST like how you do when you’re at work in Oakland!” or “Oh yeah, you’re organizing your reciepts (finally) like you’ve learned from Kristine and Detra from work!”

These are the legitimate thoughts that crossed my mind as I was performing tasks in my daily life. Things like that.

And, I also watched a movie called Super (I just realized that I have a unique OCD, I feel the need to burst onto paper if I feel like I have a profound thought, or even a thought at all that I think is worth putting down– so I guess something new that I can articulate in words or feelings. UGH I have to write my paper. I have work in the morning. Gotta catch the bus at 7:30am which means I have to wake up like at least 30 mins before so I can get ready… then I have a final after work. Tomorrow is my long day so I end work at like 4pm then I have my final for Soc Psych at 5:30pm UGH SOOO this means that I have to finish writing this paper [which requires me to read three whole journal articles AND analyze AND compare and contrast AND think of how to write all of that…] AND study [which means reading through all of the chapters 1-14 AND go through all the lecture slides AND go through my notes] for soc psych. Dear God. These challenges aren’t challenges are they? These are just… duties, right? I don’t even know why I said that.)

I think I was copying something or someone from a movie. Anyways. Wait. I was talking about watching a movie called Super. Okay. So, where am I going at with this…

“Super” ended by (Oh my goodness. It’s 10:39pm. Dear Lord.)
Super ended by the protogonist narrating what he learned from all of his experiences: losing his wife to a drug dealer who becomes his enemy and provokes his superhero stage and go through major cognitive dissonance because he was fighting for evil but really became evil instead. He summarizes everything that happened and said something like “Maybe I wasn’t God’s chosen one. Maybe my wife had to go through all of that to realize that she has to study Anthropology which leads her to a job that allows her to be an expert and help others who were once in a similar situation as her. She meets a husband who is there to understand her and support her and then she has four children. And then he shows a wall full of drawings. Drawings of the people in his life. The fullness of his life.” This makes me realize something.

That’s the same case for me too.
I think deep down I knew that I was the main character of the story. I was the one that needed the help. I was the one that gave help. I was the one that transformed. I helped someone transform. I was the one that was having miracles. I was the one that witnessed miracles.

I never realized how profound all of this is. This this thing. How do I explain this? It’s profound in that I am also a part of others’ stories. I can be that helper. I knew this but not the same way I understood it after I watched Super. It’s a lot deeper. Let’s say my ex-boyfriend. Maybe the reason why we even met was because he had to learn something about himself through me. Maybe the reason why we moved on was because he already got that from me. Same goes for me. I’ve learned so much from him.

All of this. There’s so much. So much.

The illustrator of life. The painter of life. The creator of these days and nights. Ugh so majestic. So profound. So deep.

I have so much to write. I want to write, but I have to write my paper, not this writing. Haha

I have to write my paper now.
I’m debating whether or not I should make this writing public on my WordPress. It’s really personal for me. But, I sense that it’s a part of the trans-formative and maturing process that I wanted to capture through the art of writing. The art that I wanted to share with others. The art that needs to be out there because it’s a real process in life that not many share. Why? Because there’s much at risk. The risk of everyone knowing too much of me. The risk of being naked. The risk of being stripped of my soul because writing for me is in a sense a huge part of my soul. The identification of my soul. I’m willing to take the risk for my art– God’s art. God’s work at hand in this child’s heart and mind.

Okay, I’m getting back to my paper.

Break a leg, Jennifer. Exert that energy by using all of your brain cells and neurons! Fire them up! Have fun! Always enjoy what you do. Excel. 🙂

Mental & Physical Renewal

Future Jenn & General Public,

***Disclaimer: My page will be heavily updated in the next few weeks!!***

It has been more than a couple months since I’ve updated my site.

I have been very very busy. With what? LIVING! Haha.
Did you miss my blogs about my thoughts, feelings and experiences?

Here it goes! 🙂
Here’s my somehow cohesive rambling of my pursuit, experiences and thoughts:
Enjoy the ride through my head!

I find value in the consciousness and awareness of the process of growing up and maturing.
Yes, I believe that we are constantly being molded and crafted into our own selves.
I want to continue this conscious journey and keeping myself in check with you all.
Why do I have to publicize my life with the general public?
It’s a form of art. I believe my life is a work of art.
I don’t mean art as a boastful and prideful comment, but rather I see my life and others’ lives as an art of process.
This is my form of art. I don’t know others as much as my own.
I am going to focus on myself. My art. Perfect my art my being conscious of the process– the phases, the ups, the downs, the revelations, the relationships, the experiences, the perspective– what makes me me? It’s beautiful.

I can’t quite articulate what I mean, but I do see it as art.
I want to capture my process (my life) through writing, photographs and vlogs.
I’m sharing it because it’s not valuable until it is shared with others.
It’s that much more powerful and impactful. Well, at least in my perspective it is.
It’s not because my life is better than your’s or that mine is much more interesting.
I want to share an individual’s process. I want to share this art.
You may not want to share your art of life, but I do.
I want to be a resource to others. Period.
I have to do this. This form of art, record-keeping, being mindful type of thing.
I have to do this. I want to do it.

We are all on this journey of life together. We are all going through struggles, moments of awe, moments of gratitude, moments of confusion, moments of frustration, loss, failure, success and so much more. We are all going to face death. We are all living. Because we share this, I want to share my life. Haha, this is totally illogical to many (I have tried to explain my hobby of writing to my future self and record-keeping to my friends), but to me it’s something I know I have to do. This sounds like I have OCD in writing and record-keeping, haha. Possibly. But, I still find value in it. I don’t feel trapped. I actually used to in the past. Ever since I was in elementary school I had this need to keep all the receipts and small items that can help me remember an event or help me remember a person I just met. It escalated to me writing down most of my experiences with the encounters I have had with other people and places in my school planner. It may possibly be an OCD. I think there’s beauty in it though. This is a beautiful OCD. I cherish this Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder. By the way, I don’t know if I have it– I was never diagnosed with anything.

Anyways,  the reason why I am posting this blog entry is for a public service announcement.

I will be reinventing my website. It’s one of my projects this summer– to re-create my website to be a human resource. I want to share my expertise, weaknesses, strengths, networks, art, writings in one place. This is the place.

I just thought of this during the past week as I was working as a Human Resource Management Intern at the PWA in Oakland. I am so grateful I am working amongst such encouraging, mindful and intelligent people.

I’m relieved. Things are starting to connect. I’m starting to connect all of my experiences…
I’m seeing a pattern. I was listening to Steve Job’s Stanford Commencement Speech the other day because it was saved on my iPhone and one of the many things he said was that you can’t connect the dots looking forward, you can only connect the dots to your passion from the past. I disagreed when I first heard this when I listened to his speech back in 2011, but I cannot agree more now. It makes sense. How can you possibly be certain about your passions (unless you already know for certain) by looking at the future and connecting the dots with the future? Yes, I did look in the past to connect the dots– but not to the extent that he was emphasizing. I need to do more soul-searching and dig deep. What am I a part of now? Why do I love going to work? What makes me greet people with a genuine smile? Why do you hang out with the people you hang out with? Why do you talk to the people that you are curious about? Who are you attracted to? Things like this!

Mental and physical renewal.
I’ve become much more open minded.
Open minded meaning, I am not sticking with the conventional ways of thinking anymore.
I’ve enhanced my ways of taking on life… yes. EVEN MORE.

I’m trying new things, approaching people rather than having aversion responses, being conscious, appreciating
seeing opportunities, being mindful of others’ perspectives, changing a challenge to an opportunity…

I aspire to be a healthy woman both in the body, mind and soul.

To sum things up:
I love this.
I love this ability to track what’s going on. It’s amazing.
It’s profoundly mesmerizing,
and I hope I can enhance the way I articulate/illustrate my art of life.
Beautiful life.
Disconnected events– are all connected.
Art.

Don’t expect too much. Just know that I’m turning the tables around.
I am going through a major change in life.
I am going through something much more bigger than I can articulate.
I know it.
I feel it.
I am witnessing so many people change as well.
HOW PRECIOUS.

Here I go.

Welcome to my art.

Empower Thyself

Jennifer,

**Disclaimer: Cliche alert. 😛

Doors will only open if you are prepared.
Be prepared, and empower yourself.

Start with yourself and the rest will follow.

Your actions, your decisions, your speech, your body language, your thoughts, your opinions, your values, your principles — will radiate towards others. Be wise, but free.

Believe in yourself. Run. Run around in the grass. Run around in the sun. Smile.
You have much to offer and receive in this world. Be your best self.

In times of grief, frustration, hopelessness, and failure– endure by reflection and GET UP/WAKE UP! Life GOES ON. There’s a lesson to be learned in EVERY situation. Live each day as your last. Yes, please do. GROW.

Have fun. Enjoy life. Make the most out of all your relationships. Connect.
Share. Listen. Collaborate.

The world is your playground.
There are no right or wrong ways to live.
Just be your BEST SELF.

Good night.

Courage to BE

Dear Future Jenn and Anonymous (yet significant) Reader,

Normally I would start my blog like this:
“Finally, tis a new year full of new starts, new goals, new friends, new everything! Fresh start, fresh start!..
My new year’s goal are […]”

BUT

This year it’s going to start on a bitter note.

Yes, it IS a new year. Yes, it IS a time when you can make new habits, make improvements, be more of this and be less of that
but you know what? All of that doesn’t matter on new year’s. A new year is just a new year. A dot in a finite timeline.
You could make a new habit now. NOW. NOW. NOW. It doesn’t have to be on new year’s. It doesn’t have to be on Chinese new year’s.
You can start NOW. You want to be better? BE BETTER. You want to succeed? SUCCEED.
Be fully present should be your goal every second of your life.

Easier said than done.
I agree.

But, my point is that I used to be one of the x number of individuals in the world who celebrate the new year and interpret the day as a FRESH NEW START, but I see no point in doing that.
“Happy new years!” Yes! I totally agree. Happy new years! BUT, yay new start, new goals, new me!… NO.
We can be “NEW” now, too. Or even in 1 minute. We can always have a fresh start. We’re just accumulating new experiences and becoming a more molded version of ourselves.

You’re probably wondering what my title implies… “Courage to BE.”
First, I have to tell you about things I’ve experienced in 2012. It’ll be a bit vague, but at least I’m sharing this much with you. 🙂
Something different. 2012 presented me with a new set of challenges. I really really really really had to think about how and what all my skills, education, and talents equate to.. I still haven’t got it. I’ve changed majors. I’ve gotten new friends. I’ve broken friendships. I’ve become depressed, confused, frustrated, and exhausted.
(I feel like I’m on the verge of becoming an adult. I’ve been an adult since I was very young because of illness in the family, financial difficulties, family instabilities… I’ve known to think about others. I’ve known to take care of others more than myself. I don’t know, friends, family, and peers told me I am really mature for my age since I was a very young age. But, now it’s different. I’m beginning to think MORE and MORE practically. I don’t want to think of life so practically because it’s scary to know what you can’t do and what you can do… It’s scary to calculate. I’ve realized this during the past few weeks at home. I think that’s why I’ve been having problems. I’ve been chasing something without a concrete goal. I have no time, no money, no luxury to chase something that does not exist– I used to believe that I would get something as long as I am running, but you know what… no. That may be true for individuals with $. But, you don’t. You know that VERY VERY well. You’ve known that, but you’ve always told yourself and knew that $ will be taken care of by another entity. You knew someone would come to the rescue. They always have. But when you graduate, you’ll have to work. And, for you to work, you need to have the RIGHT education. What if your degree doesn’t do you any good when you want to become ____? Problem here is that you don’t know what you REALLY REALLY want to do. No, it’s not even that.
Why were you born? I was born to serve. I was born to lead. I was born to make change. I was born to influence. I was born to be a role model.
I only chased after virtue, not real jobs or careers…)
Virtuous jobs in my mind while I was still in high school till now:
Teacher, diplomat, news reporter, writer, ASL and Korean interpreter, ASL and Korean translator, family lawyer, consultant, nutritionist, pharmacist… list goes on.
I’ve always wanted to be a teacher of some sort since I was very very little.
When I got into high school I wanted to be a broadcast journalist or news reporter…

I guess this is what happens when you burn out and really… really start to think about how to live in a practical manner.
What caused me to think like this? What caused me to be burned out?

Thinking that I have EVERYTHING under control.
Feeling as though EVERYTHING will work out as long as I give my 100%.
Thinking of what I can only think about and about what I can’t think about (yes, very exhausting)
Taking more than 20 units of upper division classes with an internship, job, and debating to go to church…

Sounds like complaining? Haha, yes it is.
But, what I am about to do is not complain– I want to share my past experiences with you.
There’s definitely lots to learn from what I’ve gone through.
Why?

Because I encountered:

• New feelings (that I did not know existed, or that I did not know I can feel)
• New challenges (that I did not know were challenges in the first place)
• New friends (that I did not expect to be affiliated with)
• New conflicts (balancing my activities, health, academic & social life was DIFFICULT, relationships)
• New dilemmas (balance, identity, goal, dream)
• FINALLY REALIZED and INTERNALIZED that I have NO financial stability after I graduate Cal

Insanity.
The insanity challenge.
THIS was my insanity challenge for the year 2012.
Knew my problems, but couldn’t find the answers.
It’s like a year long test. Just one test full of open ended questions left for only me to answer.
It came to the point where I had a list of things to do (calendar and all), and I was still not able to think to execute them.
My body shut down. My body was always tired.

I felt guilty going to church, I felt guilty meeting friends, I felt guilty going to class, I felt guilty not going to class, I felt guilty eating————–I felt guilt everywhere I went.

I only felt content when I was on my bed telling myself “you deserve to shut your brain and relax your body. So, don’t think, just be”.
It takes a lot of courage to be yourself, especially when you have a very loud conscience and awareness of your actions and speech.
Courage to be. It takes a lot of courage to even exist. Do you know how difficult it is to just exist?

2013 already presented be with a new something.
New conflict. My father got very VERY ill. He’s been in the hospital since last Sunday morning.
It’s making me come to my senses… It scared the crap out of me. He will be okay with proper care, but still…
I literally have to take care of my family financially now.
I am the first so I have to take care of my family.
New conflict presents urgency to yet another conflict which I have struggled with for the last few years… my career.
Money didn’t matter to me as long as I find a job that will make me happy.
But, now.. money is my priority..
I’ve been looking up the U.S. Air Force. I couldn’t believe I was able to even consider that option.
Since my dad is in the Army I wanted to stay away from the military business…
But, yes. Cryptic Linguist or nutritionist…
I think it’s extremely interesting that I resorted to the Air Force.
Last year, my sister resorted to the Air Force ROTC at her school so that her education for dentistry can be paid for..
I didn’t think I would…
Anyways. It’s been difficult emotionally… luckily I texted the president of the korean ministry at the church I went to in Richmond when I freaked out about my dad. She let others know and they all prayed for my dad and my family. It was so nice of them. 🙂

Be. Be. Be.

Following the other individuals in the world who set a list of new years resolutions… Here’s mine.
Be courageous and BE.
Show, not tell.
You can tell, AFTER you show the world what you’re made for.
Bigger heart.
Dream BIG.
Don’t fear fear.
Use what you already have.
Be humble, yet know what you’re capable of.
Again, be courageous and BE.

Cheers to a practical, yet optimistically practical new year.
You can do it. Believe in yourself and MOVE.

Transparency

THE first public blog of November 2012!
November is such a stressful and eventful month every year!
2009, 2010, 2011, 2012…
Hello, hello, hello challenges.

Today, I want to write a little bit about transparency.
First, here’s a brief vision I have:

I aspire to maintain the status quo and at the same time
be transparent about my motives, actions, and thoughts. 

Even this blog writing. I want it to be as transparent as possible.
An opinion, a feedback, a criticism, a comment… w/e it is,
I want it to be expressed in the most genuine way.

It’s been difficult to post any of my writings not only because I am limited in time to write them, but also because I feel I am revealing too much about myself through this self-reflective writing– don’t want people (that I do not know) to know too much about my personal life..
at least not through my blog page. There’s much to be learned and shared in one’s life with others, but meh. Haha
I want to write a book. You know what, I’m going to start writing this winter break. Shoot.
That will be my output for my self reflections with lessons that can be learned by someone else too…
It’s best to experience it yourself, but it’s an interesting process to see on paper.
That’s why I love autobiographies, biographies, and stories with character development. 🙂
Love seeing the process. Process of progression, maturing, realization, insight… 🙂

That is why I chose to pick themes or topics to talk about not really related to my personal life, but it turns out they all  connect.
Some of my blogs are ramblings that I feel are important to share. So, feel free to read those? Haha

I just want to be a transparent person. But, as the years go by, it’s harder to be totally transparent.
And, sometimes I wish I was less transparent.
Life is weird — I remember starting in 2009 I used to say this phrase at the end of 95% of my sentences when I didn’t know how to resolve the issue being said) haha

So, because of this dilemma, I’ve not been able to find the strong desire to update my blog page.
Writing about my experiences, encounters, thoughts, feelings, insights, and self-reflections have been extremely difficult to start writing because I think about how it will represent me to the public.

I hate this. Hate is a very powerful negative word, but yes. There. I said it. Hate.
I hate having this dilemma. Why can’t I freely express myself and record my encounters through prose without worrying about how I appear to others?

The simple solution is this: dgaf and live your life.

I didn’t know about this acronym until this semester through a floormate.
If you don’t know what it stands for, please just look it up. 😛

But, it’s hard to just dgaf.
It’s so easy to… but I know there are consequences that follow. So, NO.
Explanation needed? Of course. I feel that I always have to explain myself.
I’m getting tired of explaining myself to others. And, even when I explain myself, I am not understood correctly but create even more confusion.

Why am I trying to make others understand why I talk, act, feel, sense, respond the way I do?
Why is it so important?

I have to go back to my Linguistics assignment.
It’s due in a couple hours if I want to sleep tonight.

Okay, just wanted to put it out there– I want to be myself, fully myself, where ever and whenever I go somewhere.

Easier said than done.
Easier said than done…

But…

It is possible.
That’s the riddle I must live out to solve.
Just one of several paradoxes..

Okay, now I’m saying rubbish.
Tootles! 🙂

One more thing.
Note to self:
Believe in yourself.
Be strong. Just do what you gotta do.
That should override what you’re going through.
You’ve been stronger than you could ever imagine before in the worst conditions in the past.
Be strong.
Finish best.
Mind over body.
God is with you.
Your family supports you.
Mom believes in you.
Dad believes in you.
Your brother and sister believes in you.
So much support all around.
No, you are not alone.
Just do what you got to do.
You aren’t lost. This is a necessary phase.

Pray, hope, and love.
Pray, act, and love.
Pray, smile, and love.
Pray, read, and laugh.

Love life.

Be the best human.
Be your best self.
One step at a time, Jennifer.
Breathe deeply and calm down.
You can do it. I believe in you. Truly.

Stop doubting yourself– that’s what’s messing you up. 
Keep going. It’s never too late. Just start now. 

Now… go.

Paradoxical World – In Constant Flux

Dear Future Jenn,

You are constantly reminded through meeting different people from all walks of life and hitting dead ends that you are indeed living in a constant flux. You are living in a world that has EVERYTHING.
EVERYTHING entails both good and bad people, situations, causes, things. I am very limited in my vocab. What happened to me?
This constant flux idea is an extremely trivial point, yet it is so important to take note of because it tells you how we have to have a perspective from all sides. No one is right. It’s all a big melting pot. People have different interpretations because they did not have the same experiences or living environments as you had.
You need to understand that things happen for a reason.
There is always a different perspective on everything.
These terms that you are using are extremely vague, but in the present moment, you realize that you need to take note of all that’s in your head.

You are currently sitting on a leather cushioned bench at a Cafe where none of your friends come.
You are currently mindlessly typing away your feelings, thoughts, and sensations.
You are currently thinking of all the readings and homework assignments you have to do.
You are currently mind-blown while reminiscing to what’s been going on your life for the past two months.
You are currently concerned about how you don’t have a real sense of time anymore.
You are currently very motivated to share your thoughts to others.
You are currently thinking about how you are going to raise your grades.
You are currently biting your lip and wishing others won’t judge you for having a pouting face.
You are currently wondering if you always have this expression on your face if you’re mindlessly into your computer.

“Jennifer, I think you spend more time on your extra-curriculars than on your classes”
BINGO. That’s the problem.
I love love love working for a greater cause. My clubs have a greater purpose.
My logic is flawed. My intuition follows that which make people happy and smile.
My logic is flawed, how? I think the impossible to be possible.
I overwhelm myself even if it’s not necessary. Logic Flaw: I think overwhelming myself is necessary.
I want to be useful wherever I go.
My body can’t handle what I’m doing, but my mind does not want to rest.
My body can’t handle everything that is going on, but my mind and heart want to make every second useful.

I’m an incoherent person to others. They don’t understand me.
I am human, therefore I seek to belong. I seek to be understood.
What I do is meaningful to me. I want others to realize that.
Why is it so important for me to feel accepted? BECAUSE YOU ARE HUMAN.
That’s why you turn to God. He is the ultimate static being that accepts you.
Whoa, you are just everywhere, aren’t ya?

I felt a strong desire to get everything out of my head.
And, it turned into an incoherent mush of rambling.

Paradoxical world.
You don’t care, yet you care.
You care, yet you don’t care.

It’s so hard not to care and at the same time, it is also so hard to care.

I respect those who have a clear vision of their life.
I respect those who keep the parents in the loop.
I respect those who are free to do what they want to do.
I respect those who are calm and reflective at a time of crisis.
I respect those who are open-minded.
I respect those who work and live to their full potential.
I respect those who don’t complain about their life, work, and friends.
I respect those who embrace their quirk.
I respect those who love unconditionally.

Life is so interesting.
People are fascinating.
We are so different, yet so alike.
We are all crazy inside.

God, you’re amazing.

Pandora’s box has BEEN open

Dear Future Jenn,

Dude, Pandora’s box has BEEN open.
The “evils” of the world, the temptations, the lust, the guilt, the shame, the judgments, the manipulative ways of human beings have
ALL BEEN THERE EXISTING ALONG SIDE YOU.
Now that you actually see what was going on, find yourself and be grounded.

Be in control. Don’t lose yourself in the process of exploring the reality of the world.

These are the things you’ve been feeling for the past month…
Guilt, temptation, shame, depression, motivation, driven, active, lethargic, doubtful, confused, content, excited, loved, infatuation, intrigued… MIXED FEELINGS. But mostly, you’ve been following what makes you feel happy which led you to lose control of time, sleep, and priorities.

You’ve definitely been a part of a movement of letting go.
You’ve finally learned to let go of fear.
BUT, it’s led you to another set of dilemmas and challenges.
You need to come back.
Come back.
Abide by your Google calendar as much as you can.
EVEN IF it does not work out, MAKE IT WORK.

EVEN IF your body does not allow you to, you can achieve anything.. ANYTHING if you pray and put your mind to it.
Remember? Remember when you were SUPER motivated and driven?
REMEMBER WHAT THAT FEELS LIKE?!

REMEMBER the times when you sacrificed sleep and eating to fulfill your role as a student, daughter, and lawful citizen????
REMEMBER YOU LOVED TO READ FOR CLASSES?!?!?!?!
REMEMBER it was worth it in the end?
REMEMBER when you had nose bleeds, but you didn’t care?
REMEMBER when you would see the sun rise and have that feeling of accomplishment?
REMEMBER when you took ten classes and got on the Dean’s List?

YOU DID WHAT OTHERS SAID WAS IMPOSSIBLE!!!!!
REMEMBER THAT!!!!!!!!!!??????
REMEMBER THE LEVEL OF DETERMINATION AND MOTIVATION THAT YOU ONCE HAD!! IT’S ALL POSSIBLE! PUSH YOURSELF!!!!!!

WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?!
WHY DO YOU FEEL LOST?!?

GET BACK!! COME BACK!!

I believe in you. God is still with you.
Pray. Don’t forget to pray.
You are in training. Don’t fail it.

Note to Self – Be Grateful

Note to Self:
Remember that everyone is fighting a battle too.
We’re all in this together.
Remember all success comes with sacrifices.
Be one in spirit, mind, and body.
Less said, more done.
Less illogical stubbornness, more prayer.
Less slouching, more smiling.
Just live each day as best as you can while having a patient heart.
Be bold with a good heart.
If so, then you’re living a rich and rewarding life.
Voice your concerns to God.
Dude, don’t forget to be grateful.
I feel so blessed.
You should be laughing with joy; skipping with laughter; singing towards the heavens.
You have so much.
Too much.
There’s no time for complaining.
Not enough time to think about the negative, not enough time to vent to inanimate objects, not enough time to think of all the possible solutions.
Do the best you can with what you have. 🙂
Be creative. 🙂
Grow~

Thank you GOD. Thank you for waking me up and for constantly training me–over and over and over and over again.

I will fight. I will fight real hard. I need your help. Please send me your grace.

Dear Jenn,

1. Be true to yourself
2. Listen to your inner voice
3. Find your ground
4. Understand yourself
5. Connect the dots
6. Pray
7. Seek
8. Be confident

These are the first steps to be a positive change in a community.
Love yourself first.
Jenn, be true to yourself.
Know yourself, Jenn.
Jenn, find yourself.
Pray, then serve.

Puzzle pieces are laid out again…
Good luck.

Find yourself, please.
Know who you are.
And, HOLD ONTO WHO YOU ARE!
Don’t lose yourself.
This doesn’t mean you remain the same with no positive change or development.
HAVE FOUNDATION.
HAVE THAT ESSENCE OF JENNIFER.
KNOW IT.
PRESERVE IT.
DON’T LOSE YOURSELF.

Pray.